i do (cherish you)
by choikimmy
Summary: [AU] Aizawa realises a little too late, that he is in love with Shiraishi.
1. for the rest of my life

_~ An overused, bittersweet AU where Aizawa realises a little too late that he is in love with Shiraishi._

warning; angst ahead, proceed with caution!

* * *

Kousaku Aizawa's life was perfect. At least, according to the people around him.

He has prided himself for being one of the best Neurosurgeons in Shohoku. His reputation was an almost perfect record, tainted only by one or two cases he couldn't have done much for. Even so, he was untouchable. Everyone knew who he was, how skilled he was. He was successful, and many believed that he was leading an exemplary life that was flawless.

It was true that his career was established and successful. It was also true that he was able to live comfortably without worry. Even so, Kousaku didn't think his life was perfect. He had made decisions he had regretted, and there were definitely things he would want to change if he could go back to the past. There were actions he had wished he didn't do, promises he had made that he wished he didn't.

But the most glaring mistake of all, the one thing he regretted most, was the one thing he ended up _not_ doing.

If he could turn back time, Kousaku wished it would bring him back to his days in medical school. The time when he met _her._ This person was his friend and confidant. His support pillar. The person he knew he could count on, who always seemed to have his back. Through thick and thin, she was there for him.

This person _is_ the love of his life.

And she is getting married today.

* * *

The first time he met her, Kousaku Aizawa had not bother to ask for her name.

He had walked into the library as early as he could in the morning, hoping to find a desk at the corner of the library where no one would disturb him, when he saw that the seat was already occupied by a young lady. There were books scattered all across the table her head bowed so low her nose almost touched the pages of an opened textbook. The young lady, Kousaku had observed silently, was scribbling furiously on a piece of paper, never once looking up even when he slide into the empty seat in front of hers.

Without a word, Kousaku had taken out his notebook and one pen (unlike her colourful pens and highlighters spread over the table) before flipping open his textbook and began writing his notes. He realised it was the same textbook she was reading, but unlike him, she was three chapters ahead. Kousaku vaguely remembered that at that time, he had been mildly impressed with her, though he had kept quiet.

He didn't know exactly when the young lady took notice of him, but he reckoned it was a few minutes after. Kousaku didn't look up, though he could feel her eyes boring into him. She was frowning, eyebrows furrowed together in confusion, and Kousaku could sense it without having the need the glance at her direction.

He knew exactly what she was thinking; why did he have to choose this same table as her when there were plenty of empty tables elsewhere? Kousaku had readied himself to answer in case she asked, but to his pleasant surprise, she didn't. It was as though she understood his intentions, and realised his reason was the same as hers—corner seats were hidden from plain sight, therefore no one would disturb them. They were easily the best seats in the library.

And so, they both sat in silence, deeply engrossed in their textbooks that neither found the right time to actually say anything.

Years later, Kousaku would recall that memory and wonder if they were destined to be like that from the very beginning; quiet, compatible, but never having the right timing.

* * *

Kousaku found out later, by chance, that her name was Megumi Shiraishi.

They had a few lectures together, and he couldn't help but notice she was always seated at the front row. Somehow, it didn't surprise him as Kousaku had known from moment he saw her that she was studious. He didn't want to call her a nerd; it didn't feel right to label someone he just met as that. There was something about Megumi Shiraishi that intrigued him, though he did nothing to suggest that.

"Hey, Kousaku!" The moment he heard that voice, Kousaku mentally sighed. It was Kazuo Fujikawa, one of his self-proclaimed close friends who couldn't seem to take a hint that he wasn't interested in making friends. "Did you know that Mitsui-sensei told us to read three chapters ahead for her lecture today?"

"Yeah." His reply was curt. Kousaku didn't even bother looking into Kazuo's direction. In fact, he didn't even know what to call him. The latter had taken his own initiative to calling him by his first name, but Kousaku didn't think they were that close yet for him to do the same.

"Why didn't you tell me?!" Kazuo asked exasperatedly. "Do you think she's going to give us a test today? Is that why she told us to read in advance?"

Kousaku merely shrugged. "I'm not sure, Fujikawa-san."

"Oh my god. I'm going to _die_. This is bad, this is _really_ bad." Kazuo was panicking and Kousaku didn't know what to do. So, he did what he did best; he kept mum.

It was then that he realised the two female students walking ahead of them. Shiraishi was one of them, while he didn't know who the other one was. He guessed it was her close friend, since they were always together wherever they go.

"Oi, Hiyama-san, Shiraishi-san!" Kazuo had sauntered to their direction, waving his hand in the air as he repeated what he asked Kousaku.

The woman named Hiyama had plainly nodded before her smile turned into a full blown laugh. "You forgot about it, didn't you? You're _so_ dead, Fujikawa-san."

" _He_ didn't tell me, how was I to know?" Kazuo had jerked his head at Kousaku's direction, and both women turned their heads to look at him instead. Kousaku frowned, arms crossed as he stopped behind Kazuo. "Why is this my fault?"

"Oh, you're Aizawa-san, right?" Hiyama asked before jutting a hand out. "I'm Mihoko Hiyama. Fujikawa-san couldn't stop talking about his _genius_ friend—"

" _Excuse me_?" Kazuo had gasped out loud, interrupting Mihoko's sentence. "Since when?"

"Since like, forever." Mihoko rolled her eyes while Kazuo darted glances repeatedly at Kousaku and then Mihoko. He was flustered, clearly.

"I did not! I was just saying how Kousaku here is my friend—"

"And that's not talking about him?"

They began to bicker, Kousaku staring at them in amusement before noticing that the library girl, _Shiraishi_ was looking at him. Their eyes meet, and in two seconds, she had looked away.

"We've met before." He simply stated as an attempt to ease the awkwardness in the air.

Megumi nodded in response. "You sat at my table the other day in the library. Aizawa-san, right?" She recalled the name Mihoko had pointed out earlier, and it was his turn to nod.

Kousaku, unsure of what else to say, didn't say anything else. Mihoko and Kazuo were still arguing over something, but he wasn't interested to know what. Kousaku turned towards the other female and tipped his head slightly. "Well, I should go now." He muttered and walked away without looking back.

If he had, Kousaku would have seen that Megumi was looking at him, confusion masked on her face.

* * *

"Good morning, Aizawa-san."

Kousaku glanced up from his notes to meet the gaze of Megumi Shiraishi. It was 9 in the morning, and when Kousaku had arrived in the library half an hour ago, he had been somewhat surprised to find the table by the corner empty.

"Shiraishi-san." He greeted back, before looking down at his notes again. Kousaku didn't exactly pay heed to what _Shiraishi_ (it felt weird calling her by her first name in his mind, so he settled with her family name) was doing, but he could tell that she was _not_ doing anything, which was even _weirder,_ so he glanced up at her direction again.

Megumi was already seated, but she had not taken out her notebook and pens. Instead, she was staring at the book in front of Kousaku, wanting to say something but couldn't.

"Shiraishi-san?" Kousaku was the first to speak after that long silence, and Megumi jumped slightly in her seat. "Yes?" She responded, her eyes now on him.

"Do you need something?" He raised an eyebrow, to which Megumi hesitated before nodding.

"Umm…it's that book you're reading." She quietly pointed, "I was looking for that actually. It seems there's only one copy of that book here and I don't think we can borrow it…"

"Oh." Kousaku understood immediately what she had meant. He looked at his half completed notes and frowned.

"It's not a problem, you can read it first," Megumi was quick to continue with a wave of her hand in the air. "Just let me know when you're done with—"

"We can share it." Kousaku ignored her, pushing the book to the center. "I don't mind."

Megumi was bewildered at that suggestion, her eyes so wide that Kousaku thought he had said something wrong. He saw how she furrowed her eyebrows together, contemplating on a reply, debating whether she should accept his gesture or not.

It was quite endearing, if he were to be honest with himself. How she was overthinking something that was so simple. He tapped on the page and pushed it even more towards her. "I insist."

Then finally, Megumi broke into a shy grin, cheeks colouring slightly. "T-thank you, Aizawa-san!"

Kousaku had not realised then, that when he saw how she smiled at him like that for the first time, his heart had skipped a beat. He had not realised, that something was blossoming in his heart. Slowly, but surely.

* * *

"Oh?"

Megumi's voice broke his train of thoughts a week later in one of the lectures. She was standing beside his table, flustered but a smile had graced her lips. "I guess we're partners, then?"

There was a pair assignment that morning, selected based by seating arrangements. Kousaku had not given much thought when he quietly slide into one of the back seats, knowing most students would find themselves in the front seats. Which was why it struck him a little odd to find Shiraishi by his desk, as she took the empty seat beside him without saying anything else.

"I guess so." Kousaku nodded, forcing himself to give a slight smile. If any, he was grateful that his partner was her. She had exemplary work ethics, and he wasn't annoyed by her presence. "Looks like I finally have a competent partner to work with."

She blushed. He wasn't looking.

They fell into a silence, watching their professor explain the assignment in further detail. Nothing else was said between them during the lecture that day, and it was only when the lecture ended that Kousaku decided to speak, again. "Shiraishi-san, I'm just really curious," Megumi stopped putting her textbook into her bag at that, turning slightly to look at him. "why aren't you seated in front, today?"

"Eh?"

For some reason he didn't know, he could tell that she was turning flustered at that question. He could see her blushing as she struggled to come up with an answer.

"Megumi-chan!"

Mihoko was making her way towards their direction as Megumi quickly shoved the remaining textbook into her bag and stood up. "Yes, Mihoko?"

"Do you want to eat ramen for lunch today? Or soba? I have this odd craving for both…hey, Aizawa-san, do you want to—"

"O-oh, I'm fine with either! Maybe we can eat ramen today and soba, tomorrow!" Megumi replied hastily, already taking steps towards her friend. She turned sideways, eyes shyly meeting Kousaku's. "Bye, Aizawa-san."

"Bye." He simply answered, paying no heed to how quick she intercepted Mihoko and pulled her away before the latter could reach their desk. He merely shrugged and picked up his own textbook, forgetting all about the question he had asked, but never received an answer for.

* * *

It was true what people say about medical students being dull and boring. At least, it applied for Kousaku.

He shifted in his feet uncomfortably, the music blaring so loudly in the room that he was grimacing. Everyone else in the room were clearly having the time of their life, either chatting or dancing away, but Kousaku was having none of that. He heaved a sigh at the situation he was now caught in; Kazuo had somehow dragged him into a party he had absolutely no interest in, and he was pinned to the corner of the room, an untouched can of beer in his hands.

Kousaku wanted to leave then, but found himself stopping in his steps when he saw a familiar figure at the opposite side of the room. She was also pinned against the wall and she too, was bearing an expression that seemed to mirror his. Without thinking, Kousaku gingerly made his way towards her— _Shiraishi._

"Hey," He shouted over the music in the background. She didn't notice him at first, but when she did, Megumi's face lit up. She nodded at him with a wave of a hand while saying something, but Kousaku didn't catch it. He could tell though that she was equally as uncomfortable as him being in this party.

"…seeing you…it's so…" Kousaku was struggling to hear her, but he could make out some of the words she was saying. He merely nodded, before gesturing that they go outside and escape from all this madness. Kousaku noticed that she was more than happy to agree to his suggestion, and they both began to squeeze their way out from the cramped living room.

The second they were both outside and breathing in fresh air, both of them expelled a breath of relief.

"Please remind me never to attend parties again." Megumi announced with a shudder. "Mihoko said it would be fun, so I decided to tag along but…"

Kousaku chuckled lightly, his questions immediately answered by one sentence alone. "I was dragged here by Fujikawa." He explained, despite not knowing if she would be interested to know why he too, was in this same party as her.

"Do you think it's okay if we just leave without telling them?" Megumi asked, to which Kousaku shrugged. "I'm sure they wouldn't mind. Maybe you could just message Hiyama-san to tell her that you've gone home."

"Oh! Right." Megumi mentally slapped herself for asking something so simple. She took out her phone and quickly typed a text to her friend. "I honestly don't know how they do it."

"Party, you mean?" Kousaku raised an eyebrow.

"Yeah. It's just so…loud." Megumi sheepishly replied. "I guess I'm more of a library person."

As soon as she said that, Kousaku could feel a smile coming. It was a simple sentence, yet there was an underlying hint that he too could relate to. "That makes both of us."

Megumi smiled, and they both walked in silence. Not quite sure of what to say, Megumi stole a few glances at the young man beside her. It was only after some time that she cleared her throat lightly to speak again. "So…have you done the online quiz?"

Kousaku nodded curtly. "Did it yesterday. Have you?" He asked, though already knowing what her answer would be.

"Yes. There was one question that took me quite some time to answer. It was tricky, since there were two possible answers but…ah, sorry. Why am I boring you with academic related things?" Megumi gave a nervous laugh and fell into another silence.

"Oh, no, it's okay. I quite like it, actually." Kousaku gave a half-smile at her direction. "I mean, where else can you actually discuss things with the number one student of our batch?"

Megumi's ears turned pink at that statement, her cheeks also flushing in sudden redness. "You think too highly of me, Aizawa-san."

"Ah," He shrugged nonchalantly. "It's a fact."

"Well, you're not too bad yourself." She replied with a laugh.

Kousaku left it at that. He wished he was better with words, wished he could somehow impress her. But his mind was blank, and his mouth dry. He really couldn't think of what else to say. When he stole a glance at her direction though, Kousaku saw the smile she hid shyly beneath her scarf. He reckoned she too, was contented with just being in the presence of each other.

* * *

Perhaps it was because Kousaku had never really known what love was. Perhaps it was because the idea of being in a relationship never once crossed his mind before. Perhaps graduating medical school was his first priority, perhaps he just never thought there was a need to date anyone.

The list of perhaps could go on forever, and Kousaku could reminisce the memory of being a young adult over and over again. Even then, he would never be able to find an answer as to why he never once tried to imagine Shiraishi being more than just friends.

He realised way too late that there was a possibility of him liking her more than just friends, but by that time it happened, they had already graduated. Years of being in medical school went by in a blink of an eye, countless mornings and nights spent in the library, infinite number of books and notes shared, endless discussions together, before Kousaku could realise anything, they were already saying their goodbyes; they were doing their fellowships at different locations, after all.

"All the best in everything you do after this, Aizawa-san!" Megumi had told him brightly on their last day in university. "When you become a famous doctor in the future, you won't forget about me, right?"

He scoffed, shaking his head. "I could say the same about you, Shiraishi-san."

Her grin faltered. "Aizawa-san…" Kousaku could tell that she was hesitating to say something; she was looking at her feet, playing with her fingers nervously. "There's something I want to tell you, before we leave."

"Oh. What is it?" He raised an eyebrow.

"Umm, I…" Megumi stammered, but she raised her head so that their eyes could meet. "I think I—"

"AIZAWA-SAN! SHIRAISHI-SAN!" Someone interrupted their moment from afar, as both of them whipped their heads to the direction of the voice. It was their class representative. "COME HERE! WE'RE TAKING A GROUP PHOTO!"

"Coming!" Megumi had waved back, before looking at Kousaku and gesturing at their batchmates huddled together in front of the building. "We should go."

Kousaku never got to hear what Megumi had to say. Sometimes, when he thought of this particular memory, Kousaku would wonder if, had she managed to finish her sentence, would anything have changed? Would things be different today, if he had asked her to repeat what she wanted to say?

He reckoned he would never know.

* * *

Fate has its way of reconnecting people.

It was a few years later when Kousaku met her by chance, again. They had attended a medical seminar as representatives of their respective hospitals, and when they stumbled upon each other, they were both equally, and pleasantly surprised.

 _Shiraishi_ looked the same—she was older, as was he, and definitely just as beautiful, if not more than how he remembered her to be. She had blushed at the sight of an old friend, nervous and flustered that she nearly knocked into another person. Kousaku had to fight back a laugh—he was glad to see her that evening, though he didn't think he showed much of his enthusiasm. It was just not in her personality, after all.

By then, Kousaku had quite forgotten how to speak to her. The years of their friendship in medical school did not consist of much words to begin with, anyway; actions always spoke louder than words, after all. There were many awkward and long pauses as they tried to make conversations with each other, Kousaku thought they barely just scrapped through that evening unscathed, when Shiraishi decided to ask;

"I…I was wondering if you would like to eat dinner together sometime?"

Something stirred in his stomach, but not quite so that he knew what it was. Kousaku merely nodded. "That would be nice." He continued after a heartbeat, "Are you still using the same number?"

She shook her head. "I changed my number some time ago. Here, let me give you my new one."

They exchanged phone numbers and bid goodbye. As he watched her back disappear into a corner, Kousaku could feel his inner demon cursing him for being _so bad with women._ He heaved a sigh, mentally chiding himself for his inability to construct proper sentences at crucial times like this, and then wondering why he even cared so much in the first place. Megu— _Shiraishi,_ was just an old friend. Nothing more. _Get a grip._

* * *

The dinner they promised to have together, however, never happened.

A few days after that seminar, Megumi had called him to let him know that she was heading back for her hometown; her father had passed away. She apologised, as she would always, for not being able to keep a promise, and all Kousaku could do was to offer his condolences and tell her not to worry about missing their dinner date. He asked if there was anything else he could do to help, to which she replied there was none.

"If you need to talk to anyone, just call me, okay?" was what he last told her before they ended the call.

He went to the funeral with Kazuo and met Mihoko there. But none were in much mood to catch up with each other, as they went for the sole purpose of making sure Megumi was all right. She was strong, though, never shedding a tear in front of them, and was very accommodating to everyone who came to pay their last respect.

"Thank you for coming all the way here." Megumi said softly, after every other guests had gone home and there were only Kousaku and her left in the funeral parlour. Mihoko was comforting her mother, while Kazuo had magically disappeared the moment Megumi made her way towards him and Kousaku.

"Don't worry about it. How are you coping?" Kousaku asked. He could tell, from the look on her face that she had kept all emotions locked within her heart. That she had kept a brave front the entire day for everyone else.

"I'm fine." Megumi managed a reply, though slightly choked up. "We were expecting it. I just wish it wasn't so soon."

"Hey, Shiraishi-san?" Kousaku placed a hand on her shoulder so that she would look at him. And when she did, he continued; "It's okay to cry."

A second past by, then another. It didn't take long for Megumi to finally crumble, silent tears streaming down her cheeks. Kousaku didn't say anything else, just pulled her into a hug and patted her shoulder gently.

After the funeral, they didn't see each other again.

* * *

And just like that, another year, then two went by.

Until one day he received a call from Kazuo, the latter delivering the news that Shiraishi was getting married, and she had invited them. He fell into a long silence, much to Kazuo's dismay.

"Kousaku? Hello? Are you listening to me? I said, Shiraishi-san is getting married. Did you hear me?"

"Yes." Kousaku finally said, his voice hoarse. "I heard you the first time."

"So? Are you going to do anything about it?"

"What do you mean?"

Kousaku could hear his friend groaning from the other line. Kazuo was frustrated at his indifference. "Aren't you going to do anything? Contact her, maybe? Tell her you've liked her since like, forever? Get her to, I don't know, _call off the wedding_?"

There was a sudden lump latching onto his throat. He really didn't know what to say; he couldn't bring himself to respond to Kazuo's suggestions.

"I need to go." Kousaku announced abruptly before hanging up. He pocketed his phone, took a deep breath, and focused his attention on the document in front of him. It took him a while to realise that he had been rereading the same sentence over and over again, unable to digest anything into his mind. All he could think of was what his friend just told him.

Shiraishi was getting _married._

And when that reality finally sunk in, that was when his heart began to ache.

* * *

"You're getting married."

A week after hearing the news from Kazuo, Kousaku received the invitation card in person. Megumi had contacted him and asked if he would be free to meet up for coffee. She handed him the invitation card then. He could feel his heart breaking, but he remained calm and composed as he always was.

Megumi nodded with a small smile. "I guess I am."

"Congratulations." Kousaku said, forcing himself to smile. "I'm happy for you."

"Thank you, Aizawa-san."

In lieu to that came a period of unbreachable silence. Megumi was sipping her tea slowly, looking at everywhere but the man sitting in front of her. Kousaku, on the other hand, could only stare at the invitation card in silence. He picked it up after some time, studying it carefully, his thumb subconsciously caressing the name embossed on the card. He didn't want to look at the groom's name.

"It's okay if you can't make it. I understand that you're really busy." Megumi said slowly, her voice almost coming off as a whisper instead. But he heard her, loud and clear.

Kousaku shook his head. "I'll come, for sure."

"Great." Megumi bore an unreadable expression, her smile fading away. "Looking forward to meeting the entire gang there, then. Fujikawa-san is coming too, right?"

"He is." Kousaku nodded, then suddenly; "Can I ask you something?"

Megumi was slightly surprised at the change of tone, but she nodded, prompting him to continue; "This guy you're marrying…you love him?"

"Of course." Megumi answered softly, Kousaku noticed it was a few seconds late. "If I didn't, would I marry him?"

"That's great." He forced himself to smile. "I'm happy for you, then."

Then came the same expression again from earlier, the one Kousaku couldn't quite interpret. Megumi looked as if she wanted to say something, but was fighting against herself if she should, or shouldn't.

"Shiraishi-san."

"Hmm?"

Kousaku hesitated. There was something that he wanted to tell her, too. But like her, there was a constant battle inside him—the words just wouldn't flow out no matter how much he tried.

"It's okay, Aizawa-san." It was as though Megumi could read him. When he looked up, he was surprised to see tears in her eyes."You don't have to say anything. I know."

There was a long pause; Kousaku could feel his heart constricting again. "You do?"

She nodded once.

"But I'm still…you know I'm still happy for…"

"I know, Aizawa-san." She wiped her tears away swiftly, before plastering another huge smile on her face. "I _know_."

It was only when he recalled this moment years later, the image of Shiraishi still etched in his mind vividly till this day, that Kousaku realised how her smile did not reach her eyes.

* * *

 _"Do you love Shiraishi that much?"_

The truth was as clear as the day, Aizawa Kousaku was in love with Shiraishi Megumi, but not all stories have a happy ending. He was in love with her, but there was nothing he could do about it. They were like parallel lines, always together, always near, but never meeting each other.

He told himself he was completely fine with that. As long as she was happy, the rest were just background details. It didn't matter that he was at the short end of the stick, didn't matter that he had to watch the one woman he loves being married to someone else. It would never change the way he feels about her—it was beyond his control.

 _"Yes, yes I do."_

* * *

 _(end)_

* * *

 **a/n:** This has been sitting around in my WIP folder for more than 9 months! I remember deliberately not finishing it because it was getting too sad, and I was trying to write more fluff than angst for this OTP lmao, but anyway, I went back to it and decided to finish it. As mentioned in the summary, this is really just a simple and unoriginal plot that deals with how sometimes, no matter how much you love someone, you just don't end up with them. I was inspired to write this from a prompt I saw on Tumblr about two people sharing the same desk in the library, because it had the best spot. And somehow, it just became a fullblown angst fic lol.

Anyway, enough rambling. I hope you enjoyed reading it! I may, or may not, write another version solely from Shiraishi's POV (if this gets enough green light because that would mean putting all of you through ANOTHER ROUND OF ANGST) so yes, just let me know if you want me to write it lmao. Thank you!


	2. i will love you still

**a/n:** since some of you asked for it and I was in the mood to write angst!aishira (please don't kill me), anyway i'm quite positive that this will be the last angst i'm writing for them because, albeit how much i love this genre, i just feel like showering aishira with fluff and happiness bc they deserve the WHOLE WORLD. Anyway fair warning, this is twice sadder than aizawa's version in my opinion, IDK why but...yeah. Hope you enjoy this!

* * *

 **(i do cherish you,**

 ** _for the rest of my life_ )**

It was finally the day.

She wouldn't say that she dreaded this, in all honestly, she had been looking forward to this day for quite some time. She had braced herself for what is coming since months ago, preparing her heart for what is to come. This day will mark a new start, a beginning to a past she had to learn to let go.

Shiraishi Megumi was finally getting married, today.

It was a joyous occasion, an event of a lifetime worth celebrating. Still, there was a small part of her that wished it didn't have to end this way.

The man waiting at the end of the altar, she did love him. It would be a lie to say she didn't, because this was someone she had _learned_ to love. It was just that, in a twisted reality she never would have expected, this man wasn't the one she had initially pictured she'd stand beside with when she thought of marriage years ago.

How could she, when her heart was already taken a long time ago, by Aizawa Kousaku?

* * *

The first time she met him, Shiraishi Megumi had been extremely confused. So much so that they hadn't spoken a word to each other.

As a busy medical student, Megumi has made it a point to visit the library on days where her lectures started in the afternoon. She had always sat at a corner table at the back, hidden from plain sight, and today wasn't any different. The only thing that struck her odd was when another student, possibly one of her batchmates, decided to sit at the same table she was occupying, taking up the empty seat opposite her. He didn't even glance at her direction, even when she looked around to see that there were plenty of other empty tables—why did he have to choose this one specifically?

Despite the obvious confusion, Megumi made some space for him, mildly embarrassed of her colourful pens and all the books scattered in front of her messily. When she looked into his direction again, he had taken out a notebook and a pen. Quietly, he began to write his notes, not paying any heed to her.

She frowned, wondering if she should say something. Maybe a hi, as an introduction? From the textbook he was referring to, it was clear that this young man was her batchmate. Strange enough, this was actually her first time seeing him, even though it has been a few months into their first year. But then again, Megumi thought to herself further, it wasn't like she was always out and about making new friends, anyway.

Megumi decided against talking to him in the end, not wanting to disturb him. She returned to her own book after that, resuming her work in silence.

Megumi would wonder, many years later, when she looked back at this memory of hers, that maybe, the silence in the air, the lack of communication, was a reflection of their entire relationship with each other.

* * *

She learned his name from her best friend, Hiyama Mihoko, even though technically, she has heard of his name countless times from Fujikawa Kazuo, her other friend. Of course, when the latter had mentioned his name, Megumi didn't know it belonged to the guy from the library. It was only when she bumped into him, when Mihoko said his name out loud, that it hit her.

Aizawa Kousaku, the young man who had intrigued her enough for her to want to know who he was. He was standing a few feet away from her, and she recognised him immediately upon settling her eyes on him when Kazuo called her name.

She had stared at him, momentarily at a lost for words because _here he was again,_ and it was only when their eyes met that Megumi remembered how rude it was to stare, so she looked away. He was the one who had spoken to her first then, remembering her as the girl from the library, and Megumi had nodded in recognition.

But then he took his leave, never looking back. Though she was confused, Megumi didn't stop him. She only realised after he had disappeared around a corner that she had forgotten to introduce herself, again. This was starting to become a pattern—will they ever become friends?

* * *

Megumi was running a bit late today.

Her alarm hadn't gone off at its usual time, which was frustrating, considering she had a long list of notes to revise that morning before her classes. She reached the library 30 minutes later than her usual time, heart racing as she stopped to catch her breath. When Megumi made her way to the bookshelves, she found herself sighing, realising that the textbook she wanted to refer today was no longer at its spot. A quick check in the library system was enough to tell her that there was only one copy of that particular textbook, and since it wasn't on the shelf, someone must have taken it. Megumi felt her heart sinking.

It was then that she spotted the familiar figure sitting on the same table as _her_ usual table. Megumi took a few steps forward, and immediately spotted the textbook she wanted to read, by _his_ arm.

 _Oh,_ she bit her lower lip. The textbook was right in front of her, and she really needed to refer to some chapters in it, but…

"Good morning, Aizawa-san." Megumi finally greeted the man, who had glanced up from his notes to return her greeting. "Shiraishi-san." It surprised him slightly that he knew her name, but figured that, like her, he must have found out from Kazuo. She gingerly took her seat opposite him, but her mind was still occupied with ways on how to politely ask him for that textbook he was holding onto.

He must have caught on to her internal battle, because Aizawa asked her if she needed something, clearly aware that something was amiss with her that morning. Megumi, somewhat shy but pushing herself to continue, hesitantly pointed at the textbook. She was quick to add that he could use the textbook first, but he brushed that aside easily and suggested they share. Megumi couldn't hide the shock that was appearing on her face, eyebrows furrowed together as she immediately felt embarrassed at that thought. She contemplated for a few seconds, not quite knowing what to do. It was only when he insisted that she gave in, breaking into a shy grin while blushing slightly.

"T-thank you, Aizawa-san!"

There was an unexplained warmth in her heart, her cheeks glowing with shyness. They were just sharing a textbook, nothing out of the particular, but to Megumi, it meant something more. It was a start to a friendship, a progress from the last time she met him.

* * *

"Do you like Aizawa?"

Megumi nearly choke on her drink the second she heard that question coming out of Mihoko's mouth. She coughed rapidly, trying desperately to hide her glowing cheeks. " _What?_ " She managed to stammer out after a few seconds.

Mihoko shrugged nonchalantly, biting onto an ice she had popped into her mouth. "I mean…" She paused, looking at her friend. "You're spending almost every day with him in the library."

"That's because we're studying together." Megumi was quick to offer an explanation, her heart skipping a few beats. "We're just library mates, that's all."

"Sure, whatever. Can you pass me that tissue please?" Mihoko had moved to another topic easily, no longer interested in what she had asked her friend. Megumi did as she requested, relieved that her friend didn't press on to her line of questioning.

As if a switch has been flipped in her mind, it did get her to wonder, though. That night, when Megumi was trying to fall asleep, her thoughts were tangled with myriad of uncertainties, questions she didn't have answers to. Kousaku was just a friend, right? They've only just became friends for a week or so. It would be crazy to think of him otherwise. Still, Mihoko was right in that they've spent almost every day studying together in the library, sometimes even going out for lunch together. She couldn't possibly think of him in another sense…right?

 _Definitely not,_ Megumi chided herself, embarrassed she was even thinking of Kousaku like this at such an ungodly hour.

* * *

There was an assignment from her professor today, who was kind enough to inform beforehand through an email that it would be an assignment done in pairs, selected based on seating arrangement in lecture that morning.

Normally, Megumi would team up with Mihoko for assignments done in pairs, seeing as to how they were friends and were comfortable with each other's work ethics. But when she arrived in lecture that day and saw that Mihoko had sat beside Kazuo (much to her surprise), Megumi was momentarily stunned; she wasn't sure what to do.

Mihoko waved her over to where she sat, a sheepish smile given as an apology. But then, Mihoko suggested the unthinkable, and suddenly, Megumi was sure her friend had teamed up with Kazuo _on purpose_.

"I mean, you could always work with Aizawa, right?" Mihoko whispered, a mischievous glint in her eyes. _"Mihoko!"_ Megumi hissed beneath her breath, which her friend returned with a cackle of her own. Megumi had assumed Mihoko had forgotten all about _that_ after the other day, but it was clear that the latter had her own secret agenda up her sleeves.

"If you're finding for Aizawa, he's sitting up there," Kazuo had pointed to the back, bearing an all too similar expression like Mihoko's. Wanting to save herself from further embarrassment, Megumi quickly made her way up towards the back, cursing inwardly at this _betrayal_. She managed to calm herself though, the moment her eyes landed on him sitting alone at the last row.

"Oh?" Megumi stopped right beside his table, a little flustered, but a smile gradually found its way to her lips. "I guess we're partners, then?"

"I guess so." Kousaku replied with a slight smile. She had already sat on the empty seat beside him. "Looks like I finally have a competent partner to work with." He added, and immediately, Megumi could feel herself blushing.

It was after the lecture ended when Kousaku asked her why she wasn't seated in her usual spot at the front, today. She gave a tiny squeak, realising two things immediately; one, he knew where she usually sits in lectures; and two, she couldn't possibly tell him it was because of their two friends scheming against them now, could she?

But luckily for her, Mihoko did one thing right today, which was to call for her and interrupt their conversation. "Do you want to eat ramen for lunch today? Or soba? I have this odd craving for both." Pause. "Hey, Aizawa-san, do you want to—"

"O-oh, I'm fine with either!" Megumi quickly interjected, knowing what her friend was about to do. "Maybe we can eat ramen today and soba, tomorrow!" She said while taking steps towards Mihoko. Megumi turned sideways, a faint tinge of pink on her cheeks as she waved goodbye to Kousaku.

And then she was off, grabbing Mihoko's arm and pulling her away before she could give her friend another chance of inviting Kousaku out for lunch with them.

Megumi didn't know why her heart was racing so quickly, or why her cheeks were now as red as a tomato. All she knew that being around Kousaku sent butterflies into her stomach, her heart thundering beneath her chest.

* * *

When Mihoko crashed her room with an invitation to drag her along to a party, Megumi had been quick to decline, saying that she had tutorials to finish. Mihoko had rolled her eyes good-naturedly, paused, before casually adding that _Kazuo_ was going to the party, too.

Megumi didn't know why her friend thought telling her that would change her decision, but it was when their eyes met, Mihoko smirking, that made her understood the implication behind her words. Megumi could feel her cheeks heating, though she refused to admit out loud the reason why.

"I'll leave in half an hour." Mihoko casually announced. She didn't need to say anything else before she gave another all knowing look at the quiet female and retreated from her room.

She decided ten minutes after that she was going to join Mihoko, reasoning to herself that it was about time she attended a party, just to see what the hype was all about, and to maybe live her life as a university student. She convinced herself that it wasn't because of anything (or anyone) else.

At the party though, Megumi came to an awkward conclusion that she probably stuck out like a sore thumb. It was way too loud for her liking, way too crowded for her to move freely, plus she didn't quite fancy drinking, so she somehow ended up pressed against the wall helplessly at a corner. Mihoko had disappeared to god knows where, and she didn't know anyone else in the room.

Which was why when she saw the familiar face approaching her from afar, Megumi's face had lighted up, relieved to finally see someone she knew.

"What a surprise seeing you here at this party," She shouted towards his direction, though she wasn't sure if the music had drowned her voice. "This is madness, it's so loud in here, isn't it?"

And then Kousaku gestured they go outside, both expelling sighs of relief to be able to finally bask in fresh air and peace. "Please remind me never to attend parties again." She announced with a shudder, her ears still ringing from the very loud music in the party. "Mihoko said it would be fun, so I decided to tag along but…"

It was a partial lie, of course. Mihoko never mentioned anything about the party being fun, but Kousaku didn't have to know that.

They exchanged a short conversation before walking back in silence. Not knowing what else to say, Megumi decided to ask him something they were familiar with, an online quiz. It took her a few more seconds to realise how utterly lame it was for her to speak of something academic related on a Friday night, so she gave a nervous laugh and apologised for boring him.

"Oh no, it's okay. I quite like it, actually." Kousaku's reply surprised her. "I mean, where else can you actually discuss things with the number one student of our batch?"

She could feel her ears turning pink. This was the first time a guy ever complimented her without having the need to tease her for being studious. It was an odd feeling, to be honest, but it was a feeling she welcomed with a flutter of her heart. Though it didn't make sense to her, Megumi knew that she was happy. Just walking beside him in comfortable silence, it was enough for her. She didn't need anything more.

That night, after Kousaku sent her off safely to her hostel, a sudden realisation began to dawn in Megumi's mind.

Mihoko was right. She liked him. She liked _Kousaku_.

Admitting it in her head was enough to send her into a frenzy of emotions. No one was in her room, but Megumi had covered her face with one pillow and grinned into it. She then decided that she wasn't going to let Mihoko know, lest she wanted to be teased for the rest of her life. For now, she was contented with just being his close friend.

When Megumi recounted this memory years later, she would realise that this was her first mistake. For thinking that she was completely fine with just being his friend. Because she would only have realised much later, that being contented alone did not give her the courage to redefine their relationship, to cross the line they have carefully drawn between them. Megumi had told herself that it was for the best that she didn't tell him her feelings, in fear she might lose him as a friend.

She couldn't possibly have known that this decision of hers would lead to her not just losing him in the end, but losing part of her heart in the process.

* * *

In a blink of an eye, they were graduating three years later, bound for separate paths. The countless days and nights spent together, coffees and meals eaten together—they weren't going to mean anything soon, for they were parting following their own separate ways.

"Megumi, I'm telling you that it is now or never." Mihoko advised plainly, the night before their graduation ceremony. She was lying on Megumi's bed, staring at the ceiling when she suddenly had that urge to say that sentence.

"What do you mean?" Megumi asked, not quite sure what her friend was telling her. Mihoko propped herself up with an elbow, now looking at Megumi.

"You _know_ what I mean." She rolled her eyes, noticing how Megumi had turned red from that implication. "I've watched you push and pull for so long. This is your only time left."

"I don't understand." Megumi feigned ignorance, but Mihoko merely sighed and continued, "I don't want you to regret not telling him how you feel. You've liked him for so long."

Megumi kept mum.

"You should tell him, Megumi."

"Don't you think it's a bit too late?"

"Better late than never." Mihoko chuckled. "I've seen the way he looks at you. He definitely likes you back."

It really was what Mihoko said that got Megumi to muster enough courage to even think about that topic, let alone say it out loud to the receiving party. She had run through the scenario countless times in her head that night, the many possible outcomes of her confession. The next day, after the ceremony was over, Megumi searched in the crowd for Kousaku, finally spotting him amongst the sea of people.

She took a deep breath before making her way towards him. Mihoko was right, it really was now or never.

"All the best in everything you do after this, Aizawa-san!" She said as brightly as she could to hide the fact that she was extremely nervous. "When you become a famous doctor in the future, you won't forget about me, right?"

Kousaku had scoffed at that, shaking his head. "I could say the same about you, Shiraishi-san."

For some reason she couldn't explain, hearing that warmed her heart. It gave her that strength to proceed with what she had initially planned, the reason why she approached him that day. "Aizawa-san," She started slowly, nerves coming back to her. "There is something I want to tell you, before we leave."

"Oh." She heard him say. "What is it?"

"Umm, I…" She was stammering, her heart beating loudly against her chest as she found it difficult to look at the man standing in front of her. But Mihoko's words rang in her mind, and she found the courage to raise her head so that their eyes could meet. She swallowed the lump that had formed in her throat, pushing it down so that the words that have been replaying themselves over and over in her head could emerge from her mouth. "I think I—"

And then she heard someone calling her name loudly from the back. By reflex, she stopped talking, turning to the direction of the voice—their class rep, asking for them to come over to take a final group photo. Her heart was still hammering, but suddenly, just like that, that moment was over—she could no longer find the courage to continue. Instead, she waved back, shouting _coming!_ when all she wanted to do was to run away and hide, never showing her face to him because _why am I such a coward?_

Megumi went ahead towards her batchmates, spotting her friends huddled together. She had wanted to avoid looking at Mihoko, but their eyes eventually met. Megumi could see the gleam behind her friend's eyes, asking if she managed to tell Kousaku how she really felt about him.

When Megumi didn't reply, didn't nod, Mihoko's face fell ever so slightly. It was then, seeing the disappointment on her best friend's face, that Megumi thought she should just forget about it.

Maybe it was time to give up.

* * *

In between long working hours and barely having time for herself, Megumi had not thought of Kousaku for the longest of time. She still kept in touch with Mihoko, of course, who was posted to a nearby hospital where she was working. But other than Mihoko, there really was no remnants of anything (or anyone) else that reminded her of her university days.

Her father had fallen sick, and that had broke her heart into bits and pieces. When her father expressed his wish to her, it was then that Megumi found herself thinking of that one man she has not heard or seen in years, wondering if he was all right, if he was doing well. (He probably was).

"Before I die," Her father had started, and Megumi had grimaced at that. She didn't want to think about that possibility yet, even though it was becoming painfully obvious. "I want to send you off to a trustworthy man, someone who could take care of you."

It was an innocent, heartfelt wish from a father to his only daughter. Megumi didn't have the heart to tell him that she wasn't ready yet, that she barely even have time for herself, let alone for a partner. But then her mother chimed in from the kitchen, asking her to be open minded and to give this man, a son of one of her father's close friends, a chance first. They could just be friends, get to know each other first, was all her parents were asking for.

Megumi eventually agreed, what did she have to lose, anyway?

* * *

She didn't expect this day to happen, but fate always had its own way of proving her wrong. Megumi was attending a medical conference as a representative of her hospital when she first spotted _Kousaku_ from afar. Just like that, she could feel her breath hitching, suddenly forgetting how to breathe as memories of her past began to flood her mind, so much that she almost knocked into another person beside her.

It was awkward at first, both not knowing what to say after all those lost years of being apart from each other. It didn't help that their days in medical school consisted of more actions than words to begin with. Both of them never were the best when it comes to words, after all.

But Megumi willed herself to ask him out for dinner. She didn't know what had gotten over her, only that she had been glad to see him again, to know that he was doing well. It shouldn't be wrong to want to reconnect with an old friend, right?

Kousaku accepted her invitation almost instantaneously, saying it would be nice. The warmth she hadn't felt in a long time engulfed her, and she felt herself blushing. They exchanged numbers, agreeing to meet soon for dinner. Then she left, and the moment she was out from his view, Megumi covered her mouth and let out a small scream, unable to contain her excitement.

The butterflies she had long forgotten were slowly making their way back into her stomach; slowly but surely.

Maybe this time, she could muster enough courage to say what she had failed to convey before. Maybe this time, they could finally work.

* * *

Then her father passed away.

And suddenly, Megumi was forced to put reconnecting with her lost friend at the back of her mind. How could she, when the person she had looked up the most to, the person she so dearly loved with her entire life, was no longer around?

Kousaku came for the funeral, even though she didn't expect him to. He was silent most of the time, only approaching her when most guests have gone home. Megumi saw him approaching, so she gave him a curt bow and thanked him for coming all the way to her hometown.

"How are you coping?" She heard him ask, and suddenly, she could feel the wall she had built around her heart crumbling. Her bravery in dealing with this; it was all a facade, a brave front put in an attempt to ease her mother's sadness over the loss of her husband.

"I'm fine." She hadn't shed a single tear since her father passed away, but she could feel herself choking up as tears began to well on her eyelids. "We were expecting it. I just wish it wasn't so soon."

It was when Kousaku assured her that it was all right to cry, that Megumi finally allowed herself to. Silent tears streamed down her eyes as she edged closer into his embrace. They didn't say anything else to each other.

He took his leave after making sure she would be all right. To her, it was another opportunity missed. Megumi could only smile to herself as she watched his retreating back, the sharp pain settling in her heart, a feeling she had grown accustomed to. She was beginning to accept that perhaps this was the universe's way of telling her that they just weren't meant to be.

* * *

Two years later, a marriage proposal came from the man her parents had set her up with before.

She didn't quite know what to make of it, though deep down, she knew it was bound to happen. She wasn't getting any younger, so was her mother, who had finally gotten some colours back on her cheeks, excited and moving about in pure joy that her only daughter was finally going to marry.

Megumi didn't even remember saying yes, but she had no heart to tell her mother otherwise. She was finally back to being the mother she knew, enthusiastically fixing her marriage date and planning her entire wedding for her. Megumi knew that this was her mother's way of coping, to finally come in terms and put her father's death behind her. Her mother had grieved for far too long, but finally there was something lighter and more positive that she could look forward to.

The man she was about to marry, Yamato-san, was a nice person. In the two years of knowing him, he had treated her with utmost adoration and care, even when her schedules as a doctor disrupted most of their dates together. Even when she hadn't return his affection as much as she should have, he remained kind, loving, and patient, everything that Megumi could have hoped for in a man she was about to share her entire life with. In time, she had grown to love him, too.

It didn't stop her from thinking just how selfish she was, though. Because despite all those years passing by with no progress ever made at all, Megumi knew that deep down, her love for Yamato could never rival that of her love for Kousaku.

But she wasn't going to be with Kousaku, no matter how much she longed for a different outcome. All she needed to do now was to accept this fate of hers. It was time to let go.

* * *

When Megumi told Mihoko she was going to get married, the latter had been silent for a long time over the phone. There were no need for words, for Megumi knew why her friend had suddenly became mute.

"Are you sure?" Mihoko eventually asked softly, her tone hesitant and careful. It was clear that she was tip-toeing around eggshells, bringing up a topic from the past that had long been forgotten.

"It's time to move on." was all Megumi had to say in return.

* * *

Megumi met Kousaku again, though no longer for reasons she had previously hoped for. This time, it was to personally hand him her wedding invitation card, and some parts of her thought it was also for her to obtain a much needed closure.

He congratulated her, of course, an awkward, forced smile on his face. Her heart began to ache. She couldn't look at him.

"It's okay if you can't make it. I understand that you're really busy." She whispered, eyes trained on the cup of tea in her hands.

"I'll come, for sure." She heard him say.

"Great." Megumi responded, a wave of mixed emotions crashing into her. She stole a glance at the man sitting in front of her, bearing an expression she couldn't decipher. If only she could read what was going through his mind. If only she could understand him better.

"Can I ask you something?" He continued after a while, there was a change in his tone that jolted Megumi out from her trance. Her heart skipped a beat, but she nodded for him to continue.

"This guy you're marrying…you love him?"

Megumi's reply came a few seconds late, her voice soft, measured. "Of course." It wasn't exactly a lie, after all.

"That's great. I'm happy for you, then."

Hearing him say that, Megumi had a sudden urge to say something. She wanted to ask him if that was truly what he felt. There was an unexplained agony that was riding onto her heart, wanting to claw its way out of her throat. Megumi wanted to look at him straight in the eyes and tell him, no, _ask_ him, if this was what he truly wanted for her.

But this feeling came and went in a split second. She swallowed the bitter pill that had latched itself onto her throat, pushing it down and locking it tightly in the deepest part of her heart. Megumi said nothing in the end.

"Shiraishi-san."

He called out to her again, this time a bit hesitantly. She saw the look he was giving her, the way his eyebrows were knitted together, the dark and sombre expression he was bearing on his face to a supposedly joyous news. This was an all too familiar sight for her, but Megumi couldn't place a finger on where she has seen this look.

"It's okay, Aizawa-san." It hit her right there and then, without warning, without explanation. His expression, the way he was looking at her, it was familiar because it mirrored that of _hers_. "You don't have to say anything. I know."

And she really did know. The constant battle in both of their hearts. She knew. Before she could stop herself, Megumi felt herself tearing up.

This was it. This was their goodbye.

"But I'm still…you know I'm still happy for…" Kousaku was struggling with his words, and Megumi couldn't find it in her heart to blame him. She had struggled for many years with her words, too. Never once had she had the courage to say what she truly meant.

"I know, Aizawa-san." She forced herself to put on the biggest smile she could muster. "I _know_."

The smile didn't reach her eyes.

* * *

 _"Do you love Aizawa that much?"_

The world could stop spinning, birds could stop singing. The only thing Shiraishi Megumi was sure of in this life of hers, the only constant factor that would remain unchanged for as long as she lived, was her love for Aizawa Kousaku.

This was the first man she had fallen in love with. The man she would gladly go to the ends of the world for. But even so, Megumi understood it as early as she began to realise her feelings for him, that even if she was so sure of how she felt for him, the fact was still clear; not everything was meant to be. That was life.

Perhaps it would take her a couple of months to truly get over him. A few years, that was another possibility. Perhaps never, she really didn't know.

Megumi reckoned she would be fine, though. Maybe in another life, she would get her happy ending. Maybe in another life, she would finally be able to be with him.

 _"Yes, yes I do."_

(fin)

* * *

 **a/n:** The idea of this entire story is based really on the premise of how sometimes, soulmates just do not end up with each other. It could be because of many missed opportunities, miscommunications, or just both of them not wanting to risk anything. It's really tragic but it's also life, unfortunately. Anyhow, I hope you liked it, whoever that is still reading, especially for keeping up with this sad, sad fic. Thank you so much for your kudos/comments!


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